The London Alternative Highway Code

1. Where there’s a pavement or a footpath, ignore it. You’ll find fewer pedestrians in the road and therefore be able to walk considerably faster. Don’t let the vehicles try to convince you that you’re not supposed to be there. You pay your taxes as well as them and have just as much right to use the road as anybody else.

2. Where no pavement exists (usually due to some contractor digging it up) once again you should walk in the road. Ignore the irritating noises coming from the impatient motorists. If there’s no pavement what else do they expect you to do, cross the road and use the other one? What an extremely stupid idea. Why would you even consider wasting a few valuable minutes of your precious time.

3. Wear or carry something that will help you to be seen. Muggers have a hard enough time making a living as it is, so to make it more difficult for them would be very unsporting of you. By wearing some light reflective clothing you’ll also decrease your point value to any lunatic motorists, as you’ll be a lot easier to see. This will annoy them immensely as they won’t have any excuse to use in any subsequent accident investigation.

4. Don’t let your children out on the road alone, especially foreign coach parties which spread themselves across the entire width of the pavement, making it totally impossible for anybody else to get passed.

The West End traffic is a very dangerous playground, but also an effective form of population control. If you’re out shopping with very young children, don’t forget to strap them securely into the pushchair. It’ll prevent them from falling out when you use it as a battering ram to carve a passage through the mass of pedestrians blocking the pavement.

5. A group of people involved in any march or demonstration should obviously spread themselves across the entire width of the road in order to cause as much vehicular congestion as possible. Only then will you be able to get your message across to the drivers of London. You should also provide adequate lookouts, just in case the police arrive and unjustifiably expect you to act in a reasonable manner. Additionally the carrying of lights on night marches is highly recommended. How else will you be able to ignite the parked cars along the route.

6. You MUST NOT be deterred from walking along the motorway to Shepherd’s Bush. It’s by far the quickest way of getting there and if you’re lucky a passing motorist will pick you up (provided you stick out a thumb instead of your natural instinct to use a single finger).

7. The Green Cross Code gives you some excellent advice on how to waste precious time while crossing the road. Here’s an alternative set of pointers on how to shortcut the process and get to the other side in no time at all. The author accepts no responsibility whatsoever for the severe trauma you stand a good chance of sustaining, after a fast moving car or double decker bus hits you. Reader should be aware that the chances of being involved in an accident with the Red Splat Code are very high, but if you feel lucky then it’s your life.

Subways, footbridges, Zebra, Pelican and Puffin crossings take time to activate or you have to walk a short way to find them. This makes them very impractical to use on a regular basis. It’s much more convenient to cross the road where you are or where you need to get to. In the event of a fence or wall blocking your access to the kerb, just climb over it.

If you think there’s just enough time to get across the road before the approaching car can get to you, run like hell. Don’t waste valuable seconds considering the decision or you’ll miss your opportunity. Use your instinct, think positive, be lucky, you’ll probably survive, maybe not with all your limited senses intact but at least you’ll survive.

Listen for the screech of brakes or the sound of a loud horn. This will be an indication that you’ve miscalculated the speed of the approaching traffic. You’ve had some fun times in your fast and furious life and you’ll need as much warning as possible to improve the quality of your last few seconds. Use this opportunity to contemplate your crass stupidity, while your whole life passes before your eyes.

In the event that a steady stream of traffic is approaching, don’t be afraid to walk out in front of an expensive looking car. The owner would probably rather stop than get blood all over his status symbol. Just glare at him and continue walking, as you have as much right to cross the road as he does to drive down it.

In the unlikely event of there being no traffic on the road, walk diagonally across in the direction that you’re heading. If a vehicle subsequently arrives and wants to use the road, remember that you were there first.

If you hear a sequence of screech, beep and thud, there’s a fair chance that you’ve either been hit or that you’ve caused an accident. If you don’t feel any pain, keep moving just in case the police appear. The instantly formed crowd of bloodthirsty onlookers should provide sufficient cover for your cowardly departure.

8. Using the ‘Red Splat Code’ run to the miniature island in the middle of the road, then treat the opposite side in the same manner. Remember that at least fifty people can fit on one little traffic island (thirty on the bottom and twenty on top).

10. Zebra crossing are boring and won’t give you as much of a challenge as just running across the road or the zigzag lines. If you insist on using one though, the following rules give you a few examples of how to liven up your day.

11. Don’t just stand waiting on the kerb for the traffic to stop, because the cars won’t even consider stopping unless you walk out onto the crossing. Just stroll out in front of the fast moving traffic and make them screech to a halt. Be ready to jump back onto the kerb though, just in case a French car approaches. In France (or the rest of Europe come to that) Zebra crossing count for nothing and a French car is very unlikely to even consider stopping.

12. When you’ve succeeded in stopping the traffic slowly meander across the crossing, waiting in the middle of the road for your friends or the rest of your family to catch up. Don’t be intimidated by the driver’s signals to hurry up, it’s your crossing now and if you want to stand on it all day, then why shouldn’t you.

14. If there’s a Pelican crossing directly in front of you, you might actually be tempted into using it. Alternatively just cross the road anywhere as usual. At this type of crossing the traffic lights attempt to instruct the traffic when to stop and the pedestrians when to cross. Press the button on the box even if you don’t intend to use the crossing. It’s fun glancing over your shoulder at the irritated drivers who are stopping needlessly.

When the light changes to a steady green figure, most of the traffic should have stopped. It’s at this point in time that you should stand in a large group on the kerb and reconsider if you really want to cross after all. With practice you can really get in everybody else’s way.

After a while the green figure will start to flash. If you haven’t already started to cross at this point, run like hell because the lights are going to change in what appears to be a split second. You don’t want to have to wait for the next sequence of lights, do you?

15. A ‘staggered’ crossing is two crossings with a long fenced island in the middle of the road. It’s much shorter and quicker to walk across the zigzag lines. It saves you having to walk down the long island and fight your way through all the tourists using it as a photographic viewpoint.

16. Puffin crossings are similar to Pelican crossings with one exception, the pedestrian signals are only on your side of the road. This means that after you’ve started to cross you have no idea when the traffic is going to start moving again.

17. Some traffic lights have pedestrian signals which you can ignore as usual. (No green flashers around here unfortunately). When you see the green figure disappear, you’ll know that it’s time to make a run for it. If there isn’t a pedestrian signal, watch the traffic lights. When they turn red you can wander across the road, completely forgetting about any traffic coming around the corner and likely to run you down.

18. Avoid these locations if at all possible because the individuals concerned expect you to do as they tell you. It’s an ego problem they’re suffering from and nobody has yet found a cure for it.

19. If you were particularly good at hurdles during school sports these will present only a minor problem to you. The alternative for the not so athletic is to climb over them in order to get to the opposite side of the fence. The kerb stone between the guard rail and the road provides an alternative to pushing your way through the heavy crowds on the pavement, as well as a good starting block for a game of vehicular dodgems.

20. These are the knobbly bits on the pavement at the edge of a crossing. Their purpose is to inform blind people where the crossing starts and finishes. Therefore if you see a pedestrian with a white stick who hasn’t removed their shoes and socks, you can advise them that they’re missing out on a special feature provided just for them. To everybody else it’s just something else to trip over or to get the pram wheels caught on.

21. Technically the traffic should only come from one direction, hence making it simpler for you to determine where to look for it. Unfortunately unless you look down the road the wrong way, you stand a very good chance of being hit by a cycle courier. Bicycles appear to be exempt from the one-way rule in central London.

22. Buses and cycles are both notorious for not stopping. Unless you’re in a suicidal mood don’t attempt to challenge either of these vehicles. Your only advantage here is speed and agility. If you must insist on crossing then use it to the full.

23. On the rare occasion that you find enough room between parked cars to get a cardboard cut-out through, be wary when you cross the road here. Drivers rarely look behind them when they manoeuvre out of a parking place and you’re liable to end up being the meat in a vehicular sandwich if you’re not extremely careful.

24. Keep a lookout for vehicle lights but when you see them don’t act like a rabbit. Keep running and be extremely wary of the idiots who believe headlights aren’t necessary in an urban area. The effort of pushing that switch on the dashboard is far too great for them. Additionally the wearing of reflective material depends entirely on what type of party you’re going to. For females, the more revealing your attire the greater the chances of the approaching vehicle careening into a lamppost instead of hitting you.

25. If you see or hear a blue light or siren KEEP OFF THE ROAD and watch in amazement the absolute chaos drivers get themselves into, trying to avoid the approaching emergency vehicle. For some unexplained reason a siren and flashing blue light causes blind panic in previously calm drivers. As their heads jerk violently from side to side and the vehicles first pulls one way then the other, the approaching emergency vehicle will very sensibly avoid this situation by driving down the wrong side of the road. As it does this the oncoming traffic will only very begrudgingly give way as in their mind it should be the other lane that gets inconvenienced.

26. Basically this is a case of anything goes. Whether the bus is moving, stopped, at traffic lights or in the middle of the road turning right, you can always catch it. Remember that the traffic lights may change at any moment, so don’t waste any time looking for traffic or you’ll miss the bus and have to wait at least three minutes for the next one. Getting off a bus is even easier and for added enjoyment you can annoy a motorcyclist or pedal cyclist who was expecting to slide down between the bus and the pavement. Don’t be fooled by the six inches gap between the two because these agile creatures can fit through nearly any space, no matter how small. With considerable practice you’ll be able to sprint along the road to catch a bus which is moving at speed and even jump off a moving bus, running along the road to prevent yourself falling over. These are advanced techniques and should not be attempted by the inexperienced pedestrian.

27. Trams don’t exist in London anymore but railways are a different matter. If you’re late for your train then it’s perfectly acceptable to run like hell in a direct line towards the station concourse. Any obstruction, such as roads, guard rails, moving traffic and crowds should be treated as if they don’t exist. The fact that there’s another train in twenty minutes should in no way deter you from acting in this selfish and inconsiderate manner. If you want to catch that specific train then you have every right to claim primary use of your chosen route. On the station concourse it will become necessary to use your bag, briefcase or umbrella to carve a path through the waiting crowds. Remember that they won’t move unless you absolutely insist.

At an underground station, after fighting your way through ‘Big Issue’ sellers, buskers and professional beggars, you’ll be greeted by an electronic barrier. If you don’t have a ticket just jump over the barrier, it’s only the same height as a guard rail anyway. For those individuals who insist on using a ticket it invariably won’t work in the state of the art technology and you’ll have to do as you’re told, ‘seek assistance’, if you can find any. To short-cut the mile long queue of incompetent tourist for the only ticket machine which is working, you can purchase a ticket from any of the numerous touts hanging around the area. You never know it might just work with yesterday’s date on it. At the ticket machine a cheaper option is to purchase a child ticket. Even if you’re in your twenties you could still qualify on mental attitude. Remember that men rarely cease being children anyway.