The London Alternative Highway Code

28. You MUST ensure that your vehicle is roadworthy. The definition of roadworthy will depend entirely on your personal perspective of the situation. From the police officer’s point of view unless you’ve just driven out of a showroom, then it can’t be in a fit state to be on the road. From a driver’s angle no lights, exhaust missing, wing hanging off and sleek tyres are quite acceptable if the engine still works and the hi-fi plays.

29. If you can fit it on the vehicle you can carry it. A sense of balance is the most important aspect of loading a vehicle. If the police can fit 20 men on one motor cycle why should they object to six planks of wood tied to the frame with string and four economy cans of paint equally balanced on the handlebars. Whether it will fall off in the path of the vehicle behind you is debatable. If the planks you’re carrying stick out a distance behind the vehicle, just tie an old rag onto the end of them. The driver of the following vehicle can use it to mop up the blood after he impales himself on your load.

30. Crash helmets must be worn at all times. It’s government policy that you shouldn’t be allowed to kill yourself by suffering a severe head injury if you fall off. It’s quite acceptable to have a neck injury instead because this doesn’t make the road fatality figures look bad. If you leave the helmet unsecured though, you can accurately emulate the effect of not wearing one at all, and thereby really mess up the official statistics.

Most of the rules in this book apply to both cars and motorcycles with a notable exception of driving on the left. If the left lane/s are blocked then it’s acceptable for motorcycles to use the centre line or oncoming lane. If traffic is approaching from the opposite direction and they refuse to give way a gesture is customary.

31. Just because you’re half asleep or hungover is no reason to avoid your favourite pastime of driving. Granted your reactions may be appalling but then you’ve never really cared about other road users anyway.

32. Driving can make you feel sleepy. Sitting in central London traffic can comatose you. To help avoid tiredness ensure that there is an ample supply of fresh air (not available in central London except in bottles). Stop and find a place to rest, after spending another hour finding somewhere to park that is.

34. You must be able to read a vehicle number plate from 20.5 metres (67ft) or about five car lengths. Being able to see through the intermediate four cars is a distinct advantage towards your advanced driving certificate in London driving.

36. Learners must be supervised by an equally incompetent qualified driver who is over the age of 21, and has surprisingly held a full licence for over 3 years. No qualifications are required and an ability to tolerate stupidity is not a prerequisite to instructing a friend in the art of how not to drive.

37. If you’re learning to ride a motorcycle, scooter or moped in central London, then you’re practically certifiable and should consult your family psychiatrist immediately. Prospective black cab drivers who are learning ‘the knowledge’ can be easily identified by the massive clipboard mounted onto the handlebars of their moped, which obscure most of their vision. This gives them plenty of practice for when they finally drive a black cab and rarely look at the road while they’re driving anyway, just in case they might miss a potential hail on the pavement.

39. Don’t drink and drive. Drinking alcohol seriously affects your driving ability. You will think yourself capable of great feats of motoring genius, until you careen off the road into a group of pedestrians standing on the pavement. At this point you’ll realise it was just another of your alcohol induced delusions and really you’re just a complete pratt.

Remember: You may still be half cut in the evening after a couple of drinks at lunchtime, or in the morning after drinking the previous evening. Alcohol is a devious little bugger and hangs around for quite a few hours just to get you into trouble.

40. If you don’t like wearing seat belts then drape them over your shoulder in an attempt to fool the police. It probably won’t work but it’s still fun trying. When you eventually take a nose dive through the windscreen of your car, at least you’ll have the satisfaction of knowing that you got one over on them (while you’re lying in the local intensive care unit that is).

41. An appropriate child restraint, baby carrier, child seat, harness or booster seat should always be used. You may have suicidal tendencies but let the kids decide for themselves when they get old enough to do so. There’s nothing more upsetting to an innocent bystander than watching a child being catapulted 50 yards down the road.

42. Packing the kids in the back of the car like luggage may seem convenient at the time. Effectively it causes the fire brigade a lot of extra work cutting them out if an idiot drives into the back of you. Tie the little buggers down somewhere safe even if they don’t want to be.

43. Your call is obviously too important for you to ring the person back after finding a safe place to stop. This also means that you’ll have wasted a considerable amount of driving time in the process. Do like everybody else. Use your chin and shoulder to hold the hand-set while you change gear.

45. Give recognisable signals to warn other road users, including those irritating pedestrians. Indicators are an optional extra as they require a certain degree of forward planning and you obviously don’t know where the junction is until you get there. Indicators also give the other vehicles a warning that you’re going to move, and then they’ll have the opportunity to block you.

46. Watch out for other drivers’ signals. It will give you advanced notice of when you might lose one car length whilst approaching at a set of traffic lights. If a car looks as if it’s going to move into your lane, get there first. Why should they have the right of way? It’s your road.

48. Don’t bother wasting your time with mirrors, signals or looking over your shoulder. Pull out quickly while you have the opportunity, otherwise you could be sitting there for hours. The other traffic will usually try to avoid an accident and hopefully you won’t sustain any damage to your car by engaging in this manoeuvre.

49. Use both sides of the road if there is no oncoming traffic. Why waste valuable road space and if something does approach from the opposite direction, you can always push your way back into the queue of traffic again.

(b) When some idiot has built a pavement across the end of a road making it into a cul-de-sac. (If you need to join the main road just manoeuvre your vehicle between the bollards to get past this obstruction).

51. Use your mirrors frequently. How else will you know if somebody’s trying to sneak up on the near side of you. If you catch somebody trying this despicable little trick, wait until they’re level with your back doors then accelerate to match their speed. With enough luck you could force them into the back of a parked car. The exception to mirror use is when you’re either pulling out of a parking space or turning to the right. If you look in your mirrors at these times you’re likely to refrain from quick manoeuvres and consequently lose your position in the traffic flow. Bear in mind that if you don’t see it, then you don’t have to worry about it.

52. Watch out for cycles and motorcycles, especially if they’re carrying shoulder bags or have boxes on the back of the bike which advertise pizzas. All of these vehicles are exempt from any traffic regulations. Cycles are not required to stop at red traffic signals or obey a one-way street’s indicated direction. If the road is full either of these vehicles are permitted to mount the kerb in an attempt to avoid slowing down. Pedestrians are consequently required to move out of their way in order to facilitate this.

53. You can effectively hold up any impatient drivers behind you (the ones who keep honking their horns at every traffic light) by driving on the dividing line between two lanes. Under no circumstances pull over to look for the house or shop you’re trying to find. If you can drive at two miles an hour while looking at the shop numbers, why shouldn’t you? It’s much more fun and a lot more convenient for you.

54. The speed limit is determined by the power of your car and the urgency of your journey. It may be necessary to increase your speed to prevent competition from overtaking vehicles. Where there are street lights on the road the speed limit is supposed to be 30 mph but nobody else bothers to stick to it, so don’t be left behind in the race for first place.

55. In some residential areas the local council tries to annoy drivers by dumping mounds of tarmac across the road. The intention of this is to make you slow down and drive at a reasonable speed. To combat this irritating policy you’ll need to practice the advanced skill of quick acceleration and emergency braking. Once you’ve mastered this skill you’ll be able to average at least 50 mph between humps.

56. A speed limit doesn’t mean it’s safe to drive at that speed. Many people have cars which they aren’t yet competent to drive safely but are excellent for showing off in. When it’s wet, icy, foggy or at night you should drive slower but you’re obviously in just as much of a hurry at this time as at any other. What you need to practice is how to skid into a lamppost and not the pedestrians on the pavement. Squashed pedestrians make an awful mess on your paintwork and will almost certainly bring the police into the equation.

57. When driving along the road you need to balance your ability to stop safely, if the vehicle in front brakes, with making sure you don’t leave sufficient room for somebody else to sneak in-between the two of you. Your position in the queue is paramount and should be defended at all costs. You can always get a new bumper but you’ll find it very difficult regaining that extra car length of road.

58. In foggy conditions, you can try out those new super bright, extra dazzle, fog lamps which until now were only there for show. As fog isn’t a major problem in inner London you probably haven’t bothered to have them adjusted properly. This’ll only help increase their intensity, especially if they’re angled directly into the windscreen of approaching traffic. In fog there are two ways to determine where the traffic is in front of you, either the crash of the leading vehicles shunting into each other, or the crunch of you plowing into the back of the vehicle in front of you.

59. Prepare your vehicle for winter. Ensure well in advance that you have sufficient cardboard to tie over the radiator grill and enough rags to block the holes where the windows should be. The most important part of your car at this time of year is the heater. Even if little else on your vehicle works properly you shouldn’t have to suffer the cold weather. The daily newspaper can be recycled at night and fixed over the windscreen to avoid scraping the glass of ice in the morning. Instead you can spend hours scraping off the soggy paper.

60. In freezing or near freezing conditions you can combine the enjoyment of driving and ice skating into one single activity. This will save considerable time by negating the need for a budget allocation towards leisure time. Obviously you’ll still need to get to your destination quickly and will refrain from driving any slower than on any other occasion. Hopefully your destination was intended to be the local accident & emergency department anyway.

61. When it’s snowing you have a distinctive advantage in the inner city. Whereas normally it would be difficult to argue against a parking ticket, who can blame you for parking on a yellow line that you can’t see. You’ll also be able to use this argument in the case of bus lanes and any other occasion you find the road markings covered. When driving you can do some remarkable wheel spins on the slippery ground and with luck you’ll avoid sliding into a lamppost or group of pedestrians. Zebra crossings will quickly be obscured and only be identifiable by their orange beacon. Don’t accept this as sufficient indication of its presence and ignore any pedestrians on the pavement waiting to cross. Slush puddles are another source of great amusement. With these you can not only make the pedestrians wet but cold as well. Double the fun in one single activity.

62. Watch out for snow ploughs. If you actually see one in London approach the Guinness Book of Records for a first entry. The most you’ll usually see is two men, standing on the back of a truck, shoveling rock salt over the back. Hopefully missing the trail of cars behind them.

63. Ignore the irritating crowds spilling over onto "your" road. If they can’t afford a car then they should stay out of the city. They’ll try your patience by walking into the road, using a pedestrian crossing when you only have a couple of seconds to catch the amber light or expecting you to stop at a Zebra crossing. In shopping streets, their presence is even more marked and you’ll need to practice your verbal communication skills, in order to educate them about their inadequacies. When approaching a foreign registered coach that’s unloading, be aware that they’ll unload into the road. The passengers won’t walk along the side of the coach in single file but disgorge into the middle lane in a massive huddle. This will cause the blocking of two lanes and force you to move over at the very least. It’s very bad for European relation to plow into this group despite your overwhelming desire to do so. You can get away with squashing frogs but unfortunately not froggies.

64. Children, elderly people, blind, deaf and plain stupid people are all very unpredictable. They’ll test your vehicle handling skills in the extreme. If at all possible, try not to hit someone in one of these special groups. If you hit anybody else it will just be another accident statistic. If one of these individuals is involved, you’ll probably be on the national news.

66. When a fluorescent clad figure walks out in front of you, wielding a big yellow lollipop, it means a pack of screaming kids will shortly follow. Ten minutes later you’ll be able to continue on your journey.

67. Be wary around ice-cream vans. They park in the most atrocious places and are more interested in avoiding the police than anything else. They’ll also pull away from the kerb at a moments notice in an attempt to avoid being prosecuted for illegal trading.

68. At road junctions, if you see that pedestrians are still crossing, you’ll need to sound your horn continuously and under no circumstance consider even slowing down, let alone stopping. If by a miracle you do stop, by the time the hoards have crossed, you’ll have missed the opportunity to get around the corner.

69. When it becomes necessary to drive on the pavement you’ll need to assert yourself with the pedestrians who believe it’s their rightful property. If you need to get into a garage or just park so that you’re not obstructing the flow of traffic, you have every right to claim prior use of the pavement. You have the might and therefore the right, and the pedestrians can always walk in the road anyway. At least there’ll be less risk of your vehicle being damaged if they’re hit instead.

70. Be prepared for pedestrians who are walking in the road. Most of them are too stupid to realise what the six inch difference in kerb height means and rather than walk at the pace of the crowd some prefer to run down the roadway instead.

71. When approaching a Zebra crossing try not to look at the pedestrians on the pavement. If they think you haven’t seen them they’re liable to avoid risking their lives by stepping out and claiming their right of way. If you’re unfortunate enough to encounter a pedestrian with suicidal tendencies, who actually attempts to use the crossing, you’ll need to perform an emergency stop. The louder the squeal of brakes, the lesser likelihood of this pedestrian trying the same trick again with somebody else. Timing is very important here. You’ll need to be onto the crossing two inches behind this pedestrian so that the next one doesn’t have sufficient time to step out. Failure to time this manoeuvre correctly will result in a considerable amount of wasted time, while the entire population of London walks one by one across the road. Motorcycle and cycle couriers are completely exempt from this rule also. Time is money for them and they are small enough to fit between the pedestrians who are on the crossing.

72. When all alternative parking facilities in the area are full the pedestrian crossing and their accompanying zigzag lines make ideal loading and unloading places. This is true for anything from motorcycle couriers and delivery trucks to coach parties. On the rare occasion a police car passes while you’re parked there they’ll usually ignore this supposedly serious offence, as it would entail them actually getting out of their car and doing some work. The police have a natural aversion to work and rarely enforce any kind of motoring in the city centre anyway.

73. In a queue of traffic don’t be tempted to leave the Zebra crossing clear. If you can get the front bumper of your vehicle onto the far zigzag line, it’ll force the pedestrians to cross the road behind you. This will make it impossible for them to claim any right to use the crossing when the traffic finally moves again. If you’re foolish enough to wait in front of the crossing then ten seconds before the traffic starts flowing again, a coach party of foreign tourists will start crossing the road and you’ll lose a considerable amount of valuable time. This is especially true for bus drivers who have a schedule to keep too.

74. At a Pelican crossing the flashing amber light means that the pedestrians shouldn’t start to cross. In reality this translates into the next fifty people sprinting across the road in front of you, as you start to pull away. When the light starts flashing, if you start to edge forward the pedestrians already on the crossing will panic and run to the opposite side, clearing your route considerably quicker.

75. At a pedestrian crossing controlled by lights, after you have a green light, move off quickly or they’ll never stop crossing. If they’re too slow to get across the road at an average delay, they shouldn’t be out on the streets anyway.

76. Look and listen for emergency vehicles with flashing blue lights and noisy sirens. Pull over to the side of the road until the emergency vehicle passes. If you’re quick enough you can pull out behind it and use the empty lane to gain a considerable distance advantage. Alternatively you can sit at a red traffic light with the sound of the siren directly behind you, whilst muttering "But the light’s red. What do you expect me to do? I can’t go through a red light. You’ll have to wait."

77. When you see a flashing amber light on a vehicle it means you’ll need to use all the overtaking skills you’ve acquired so far. At all costs you need to get in front of this vehicle, otherwise you’ll chug along the road at five miles an hour, for the next two miles. During this time you’ll be subjected to the beautiful aroma of rotting vegetables emanating from the refuse truck in front of you.

78. If the police want you to stop they’ll use their blue lights and siren. You should then slow down and move over to let them drive passed. As they stay behind you utter these words. "Well come on then. Why don’t you pass? What are you waiting for?" Only after another few hundred yard will you realise that it’s you he wants to stop. After complying with this request, you must put on your best look of innocence and repeat the following words. "What’s the problem officer? Did I do something wrong?" The exception to this rule is if you haven’t got a licence, insurance, test certificate or legal ownership of the vehicle. Under these circumstances you’ll need to accelerate as fast as possible and attempt to avoid the resultant pursuit.

79. If a bus is indicating to pull out of a bus stop (very rare for them to use their indicators) you should accelerate as fast as possible. The last thing you want is to become stuck behind a bus which will be stopping every ten seconds. Even if you’re three or four cars back you can still get in front of the bus by sticking two inches behind the vehicle in front of you.

80. Horses are usually slow moving and will delay your journey if you’re stuck behind them. Avoid frightening them as you pass because they’ll only rear-up and land on your car. Your vehicle may not look like much to anyone else but to you it’s something special and an equine hood ornament wouldn’t improve its appearance. A disproportionate number of these creatures have a porcine partner on their backs. The lesser intelligent part of the duo tends to get rather annoyed if you drive too close to them.

81. Contrary to popular belief it isn’t a requirement for animals to be fitted with indicators. The owners rely on the age old principle of sticking out an arm and consequently losing half of their control over the animal. The only other indicator on a horse is the tail. If it suddenly lifts into the air the animal is about to shed some of its load.

82. Some of the roads in central London are only wide enough for one vehicle but amazingly are still allocated for two way traffic. On roads which are wide enough usually for two way flow, parked cars on both sides of the road will narrow the width to less than that of two cars. In a situation where you encounter a vehicle coming in the opposite direction, under no circumstances consider reversing, even if it is easier for you to do so. It’s more important in a stand-off situation like this to win rather than be on time. If you start reading the newspaper and place a packet of sandwiches on the dashboard, the other driver will usually get the message and move out of your way.

83. A single broken line along the centre of the road, with long markings and short gaps, is a hazard warning line. On the whole this will mean absolutely nothing to you, as you’re not even going to acknowledge the existence of two sides to the road. The whole width of the road is yours and if that means straddling the white line in the middle to get there, then so be it. In the event of there being insufficient parking spaces, this location can be used to good effect as a short term parking space.

84. Where you find double white lines along the road and the line nearest you is unbroken, you MUST NOT cross or straddle the line (except when turning right, passing a stationary vehicle or slow moving vehicle (less than 50mph), passing a horse or generally whenever nobody else is looking).

86. Areas of white diagonal stripes or white chevrons in the middle of the road are to be regarded as additional parking spaces, overtaking zones or last minute decision areas. Don’t be fooled into thinking that you shouldn’t drive here, especially when it gives you ability to slip down the outside of a line of traffic and cross these marking to get to the front of the queue.

87. Short broken lines divide the road into lanes. If you straddle the dividing line it will prevent anybody else from getting in front of you. This will keep the option open for either pulling out to overtake a stationary vehicle or pulling in to avoid a vehicle which is turning right.

88. Sometimes the left hand lane is referred to as a crawler lane, for the use of slow moving vehicles. You’ll find many crawler lanes in central London but primarily in Soho, Kings Cross and Paddington. In these special entertainment areas the drivers are very unpredictable and can be expected to suddenly stop, pick up a passenger and pull out again so fast that there’s no time for him to look at what’s behind him. Be extremely wary of any vehicles using the kerb crawler lanes.

89. If you actually get into a situation of only being in one lane and needing to change to another, then speed is of greatest importance here. Any delay will mean becoming stuck behind a parked or turning vehicle.

90. At some junctions lanes may go in different directions. If you want to turn left position yourself in the farthest right lane and stop all the other traffic, as you cut across to the left exit just as the lights change.

91. In a traffic jam drive down the wrong side of the road, bus lane or centre dividing chevrons in order to position yourself at the front of the queue. Somebody will always let you in especially if they have an expensive car and you’re assertive enough.

92. Where a single carriageway has three lanes and the road markings don’t give a priority in either direction, then the middle lane’s a free-for-all. If a vehicle travelling in the opposite direction thinks he has a claim to "your" lane, it will be test of nerves to see who’ll succeed at the end of the day. If you wake up to bright fluorescent lights and people in white coats standing over you, you’ll know that you were both as courageous as each other.

93. If there are four or more lanes, this is where the fun really starts as everybody juggles for position. A few basic rules will help you here. Dividing lines are totally irrelevant so don’t let their existence confuse you. Be ready to cut across at a moments notice if the lane you’re in looks as if it’s going to grind to a halt, while the others keep moving.

95. On a three or more lane dual carriageway you should primarily use the left lane and only use the other two for overtaking. Some hope when you’re losing valuable seconds changing lanes all the time. If you intend turning right half a mile down the road, why shouldn’t you stick to the outside lane the whole way down the road. Don’t be tempted to look in your mirror or you’ll only see the flashing lights of the cars behind you, who’ve been trying to get in front for ages. If you’re feeling extremely ignorant today find a suitable vehicle in the middle lane, match its speed and block the road. It will irritate the cars behind you no end.

96. On a one-way street you can overtake any way you like, because apart from the occasional cycle there won’t be anything coming in the opposite direction. If turning left you should use the right hand lane and vice versa. It livens up an otherwise boring drive.

97. Bus lanes are solely for the use of buses. The definition of bus is a big red vehicle which carries people, therefore if you have a flashy red car it obviously means you qualify. If you have a car of a colour other than red, don’t despair, because you could always pretend you’re driving a bus. Bus lanes are by far the quickest way to get to the next junction and everybody else uses them anyway, so why shouldn’t you.

98. Cycle lanes are similar to bus lanes and offer a quicker, quieter route to your destination. They ride on your road so why shouldn’t you reciprocate. Be wary of these convenient short cuts though. They frequently narrow to only a few feet wide at traffic lights. Trying to fit your vehicle through this tiny gap will be a feat in itself and in some cases totally impossible. A wonderful plan can be ruined by this slight technical hitch.

99. The skill of overtaking is an absolute necessity if you anticipate driving regularly in central London. An ability to accurately predict the other vehicle’s speed, being able to time your moves to the split second and an attitude bordering on sheer stupidity is also recommended. Once you’ve picked out a likely victim, accelerate to within six inches of his rear bumper then swing your vehicle into a position where you can see the oncoming traffic. Keep swinging back and forth while holding this minuscule distance. There are two reasons for this dangerous approach. Firstly the swinging manoeuvre will help prevent another vehicle from overtaking you, while the minimal space between you and the car in front will necessitate anyone with a better sense of timing than yourself having to overtake both of you. Under no circumstance allow anybody to force their way in-between you and the car in front. They can have a head on collision for all you care. It’s their own fault for daring to overtake you anyway.

100. Once you’ve started to overtake don’t change your mind. Pass as many cars as possible before cutting back in at the last moment and only narrowly avoid the oncoming traffic. If the flow of traffic refuses to let you back in again, edge as far to the left as possible, effectively making an extra lane along the dotted white line in the middle of the road. If you encounter a traffic island and no oncoming traffic is approaching, you can gain valuable distance by swinging around the wrong side of it and continuing to overtake the line of traffic.

101. When overtaking cycles and horses give them at least six inches clearance. These slow moving vehicles will only hold up your journey if you let them stay in front of you. After obtaining the lead position move to within a few inches of the kerb, thereby prevent any cycle from sliding up the inside of you at the next junction.

(a) - the vehicle in front looks as if it’s going to turn right. In this situation you’ll need to quickly move one lane to the left before the vehicles in that lane have time to effect a blocking manoeuvre.

(b) - traffic is moving slowly in queues and the traffic on the right is moving slower. On the whole any traffic in London can be regarded as in a queue for somewhere and slowly by your definition is under 70mph.

103. In slow moving traffic keep track of which lane appears to be moving faster and try to get into it. If the situation changes repeat this procedure, with the intention of always being in the fastest moving lane. If a bus lane exists a quick hop down it can save you a considerable amount of time but be extremely wary of the occasional police spot check at the other end of the road. Motorcycles and cycles overtaking traffic queues of traffic should try and avoid the stupid pedestrians who think they can cross just because the larger vehicles have stopped. The advantage of a two wheeled vehicle is that you can ride down the wrong side of the road or between the stationary vehicles. Don’t be intimidated into returning to you own side of the road by any oncoming traffic.

104. If someone is trying to overtake you, this can be regarded as the gauntlet for a challenge match. Whoever has the most powerful vehicle should technically win. If you time your acceleration correctly they’ll not only have to pull back in behind you, but could lose many other car lengths if your followers decide to close ranks behind you.

105. When overtaking parked vehicles or other obstructions on your side of the road, drive along the centre line. The oncoming traffic can pull onto the pavement if necessary but there’s no reason why you should be inconvenienced by these irritating obstructions.

106. You MUST NOT overtake in the following situations (this rule can be reduced to ‘should not’ if you feel lucky or just think you know better): corners, bends, hump back bridges and the brow of a hill. Some of these places are ideal locations for a game of ‘Blind Chicken’. This is similar to the traditional game of chicken but with a touch of the unexpected.

If in doubt think what matters most, you getting there on time or somebody else having an accident. On the whole you’ll find your need usually comes first and everybody else can look out for themselves. Anyway it stops the London Ambulance Service from getting bored.

107. Junctions are a pain in the proverbial and delay your journey considerably. If it’s not the irritating drivers who slow down to turn, it’s the vehicles which sneak out in front of you and take your rightful position in the queue. Long vehicles are the most irritating in these circumstances, because they take the whole bleeding road to make their turn.

108. If you find pedestrians already crossing the junction as you scream around the corner at full speed, sound your horn and give them the fright of their lives before missing them by only a few inches.

109. When the junction has a STOP sign on it you might actually consider stopping. It’s an unlikely prospect but there is an outside chance that the thought might pass between your two brain cells.

110. If the junction has a broken white line across the road and even a ‘Give Way’ sign, charge out into the moving traffic and force the other cars to give way as the sign indicates. If you chicken out of this bold manoeuvre slowly edge forward until the traffic on the main road has no other choice but to let you join them.

111. If a vehicle approaching along the main road is signalling to turn into your road it’s almost certain that if you pull out, he’s just forgotten to turn his indicator off and isn’t really turning after all.

112. When turning right onto a dual carriageway, you need to use any occasion when there isn’t any traffic coming down the near side carriageway. When they do arrive they can just wait while the back end of your vehicle sticks out across their lane. It won’t be just you anyway, there’ll be at least another three cars queued up behind you across the nearside carriageway anyway.

113. A box junction made of pretty yellow crisscross patterns on the road, looks very decorative and supposedly helps keep the junction clear. If you can get your front wheels over the front edge of the box then it doesn’t really count. The fact that most of your car still blocks the junction is totally irrelevant. Do they really expect you to wait for another complete cycle of the lights before crossing and consequently have at least another dozen vehicles in front of you.

114. At junctions controlled by traffic lights you’ll find a solid white stop line across the road. This is just there for the fun of it and to give the white line painters a job to do. Stopping with your front wheels just passed the pedestrian crossing will give you a head start on anybody else when the lights change. It will also circumvent the need to dodge any irritating pedestrians who continue to cross the road after you have a green light. When the amber light joins the red that’s your cue to sit on the clutch and rev your engine. It’s only seconds now before you’ll have a green light and your signal for take off.

115. Where a junction has a green filter arrow you have a convenient way to jump the queue for straight ahead. Slide down the left turn only lane and pull across in front of the lead vehicle waiting at the lights. Ignore the horns of the turning vehicles that the rear end of your car is blocking. You’ve just gained a considerable distance advantage and deserve a fanfare anyway.

116. If the traffic lights aren’t working all hell will break loose. Whatever the size of the road remember that your direction obviously has priority and great assertiveness is required under these circumstances. If you just keep going regardless, hopefully the other traffic will stop.

117. Getting the best effect out of turning right is a well-practiced art. Maximum effect is achieved by doing this from the left filter lane, but on many occasions this is blocked due to an inconsiderately placed traffic island. Use of indicators is strictly forbidden, unless of course you leave it until the last second. When faced with a ‘No Right Turn’ road sign, on the rare occasion that you wish to obey it, the alternative manoeuvre is to drive passed the junction and immediately perform a ‘U’ turn, then a perfectly legal left turn.

118. When you find an oncoming vehicle also turning right and you’re second in line from your direction, make sure you position yourself inches from the lead vehicle. That way the approaching vehicles can’t cross in front of you. This will ensure your direction has to clear the junction first, unless of course the second vehicle in the opposite direction knows the same trick as you. If this happens the junction will become gridlocked until a considerable amount of jiggling has taken place.

119. As an alternative to turning behind the approaching traffic you can quickly cut across the corner, narrowly missing the traffic that’s approaching straight ahead. Speed, agility and nerves of steel are a prerequisite for this very advanced manoeuvre.

120. When turning right from a dual carriageway look for an opening in the traffic approaching from the opposite direction, and if you think you can make it jump on the accelerator and dodge the speeding bullets.

121. As usual leave any decision making until the last second. If you see a cyclist between you and the left turning you need to be very quick, get passed him before swinging around the corner. Alternatively you can swear and curse about how slow he’s riding then cut diagonally across the pavement corner behind him.

122. If you’re turning left across a bus or cycle lane you’ll have to sit impatiently revving your engine while the irritatingly slow bicycles creep by. Alternatively just edge forward and force them to wait for you for a change.

123. When approaching a roundabout the knack is to time your arrival at the stop line in order to coincide with a narrow gap in the flowing traffic that’s charging around the roundabout itself. This will save you considerable time and with practice you’ll rarely need to reduce speed at all. If you’re less fortunate and have to stop because of continuous heavy traffic or a lesser experienced driver stopping in front of you, you’ll need to practice edging gradually out into the flowing traffic and thereby forcing them to stop and let you join the circus.

124. Positioning on approach to a roundabout is of extreme importance. If it looks as if most of the traffic are going around to the right you should use the left lane and accelerate quickly around the inside of the traffic. Timing is of the essence here to prevent any left turning traffic from cutting you off during this manoeuvre. Similarly if you wish to take the first or second exit and it seems to be the most popular one, taking the right lane and cutting across at the last moment could be very advantageous to you. Some council planning staff have been known to suffer from a severe roundabout obsession and incorporate two or three together. Other variations by psychiatrically challenged council planners include: oblong, rectangular, square, diamond and multiple directional roundabouts. If in doubt just go around in circles (or squares etc.) until you finally solve the puzzle.

125. The traffic already on the roundabout will generally believe they have the right of way. However, they are very unlikely to drive into the front wing of your car on purpose. Use your vehicle as a wedge and drive it into the never-ending stream of traffic. If a bus happens to do this to the right of you then you can use it as a shield and sneak out alongside it.

126. Motorcyclists and cyclists are often very unpredictable on roundabouts and they will slide in and out of the flowing traffic with surprising ease. You’ll be amazed by the apparently non-existent gaps they can suddenly appear through. Trying to make a sandwich of a cyclist is not considered sporting and should never be attempted.

127. Long vehicles on roundabouts will pretend to be turning left and suddenly confuse you by swinging to the right again. Fast reflexes are needed in these circumstances in order to prevent yourself from being forced onto the central island. Don’t be deterred from trying to get by though. You have a faster, more maneuverable vehicle and can usually get past before he completes that right swing. Don’t forget to place an order in the florist for the wreath to be placed on the central island after your demise. It will be your memorial to the motorists of London.

128. Mini-roundabouts are just the same as the real ones. It’s just that the local councils have a limited amount of white paint in their budget but an excess of tarmac. The raised bubble in the centre of the roundabout is constructed at just the right angle to bounce you into the car beside you. Alternatively you can check the turning circle of your car and creep slowly around the little dot in the middle of the road.

129. Reversing is an important technique which very few Londoners seem to be able to master. Consequently it’s much easier driving across both pavements to facilitate a U-turn, that way you’ll never need to engage reverse gear. Black cabs are expert at this manoeuvre and practice it constantly all day, because for some reason any customer who hails a cab is always going in the opposite direction to the way the cab was originally facing. In circumstances where a reversing manoeuvre can’t be avoided just engage reverse gear and get it over with as quickly as possible.

(a) When you’re in a one-way street and you’ve just missed your turning. In this case pull to the side of the road and wait for the traffic to clear. When there are no cars approaching behind you put your foot hard on the accelerator and quickly reverse back to the opposite side of the turning. With practice you can get your car looking very similar to a snake as it slithers in a wavy line back down the roadway.

(b) You’re looking for a parking meter and have just seen an empty one which just happens to be twenty yards the wrong direction up a one-way street. Pull passed the street entrance, reverse into the street and back towards the parking bay. You’re not technically driving the wrong way down the street (at least not in your mind anyway).

130. It’s very dangerous to reverse from a side road into a main road but on many occasions it can be very convenient. Balance up the odds of sustaining a serious injury against your need for urgency. Usually urgency will win while safety disappears out of the window as usual.

131 & 132. Lights are an optional extra which help you to see and be seen at night, or even in bad weather. As bright streetlamps exist on nearly every street in London, (if they actually work) you may consider it unnecessary to add your meagre offing to the existing light pollution problem of the metropolis. This very noble gesture would be commendable were it not for the fact that it’s impossible to see you without them. Anonymity is all well and good up to a point. Unfortunately not seeing another vehicle is entirely different from it not being there at all, as many drivers who’ve collided with an unlit car will testify. Light up, make a splash and get noticed.

133. With these little beauties you can really be dazzling in the West End. Why waste them waiting for a foggy day after you’ve spent so much money jazzing up your car with them anyway. Go for it. Put a little light in somebody else’s life and send them nuts, or into a wall. Whichever comes first.

134. This is a situation when all four indicators flash at the same time. It doesn’t mean the driver isn’t sure where he wants to go, although it can signify that he doesn’t know when they’re on or not. Hazard warning lights allow you to stop your vehicle nearly anywhere in London. They exempt you from all parking restrictions and prevent Traffic Wardens from issuing a parking ticket to your car, (believe this at your own peril).

135. Your headlights usually have an option of dip and beam. Beam is rarely needed in central London but is often very useful. Flash your beam lights when you want to: wave to a friend on the pavement, indicate that you want to talk to the friends in the car you’re following (probably because you’re lost), to tell the vehicle in the opposite direction to turn his lights down, or on the rare occasion that you’re going to let a waiting vehicle out of a side road.

136. This is probably the second most important accessory on your vehicle, after the stereo. It’s your spokesperson, frustration reliever and roadway clearer. Sound your horn loud and long to indicate that the car in front isn’t moving fast enough and to tell him that he should pull over and let you pass. Clear a passage through any ignorant pedestrians who continue to cross the road when you have a green traffic light. Alternatively you can signal to somebody you recognise walking on the pavement. This is usually accomplished by playing a merry little tune as an indication that you’re calling in friendship rather than in anger.