The London Alternative Highway Code

137. You’ll find many car parks situated in the centre of London but it’s obviously a lot more convenient to just pull over outside the shop or house you want to visit. The use of indicators is strictly forbidden and last minute decisions are also recommended. After screeching to a halt as you suddenly realise you’ve arrived at your destination, just swing your door open wide into the path of the overtaking traffic. If you sit there waiting for a break in the flow before you open it you’ll never get out of the driver’s seat. London drivers are well practiced at swerving around opening car doors and the likelihood of your door continuing down the road without you is very small.

138. If you can’t find an empty parking space near to your destination, with luck there’ll be a pedestrian crossing close by. When all else fails the zigzag lines are usually fairly clear of parked cars, so just slip in and claim what is otherwise only wasted space. You can always try to argue with the police that you were at least considerate enough not to block the road. However, always make a full note of the exact location where you parked your car, including the authority responsible for parking enforcement there. This will be invaluable when you return to find your vehicle’s been towed away.

139. Yellow lines, or even the modern red versions, are only painted on the road for decoration. Nobody else takes any notice of them so why should you. If you can get six inches of your vehicle into a legally parked position then the authorities should obviously overlook the rest of your vehicle which is illegally parked. (In your dreams they will).

140. Don’t bother thinking before you park, you never do any other time and you could give yourself a headache just trying. What’s more nobody else does either. So why not be just as inconsiderate, ignorant and selfish as possible and that way you’ll blend in well on the streets of London.

(a) Park on the pavement. It’s usually considered by drivers more important to give as much room as possible to vehicular traffic. Parking on the pavement frees up considerably more road space at the expense of only worthless pedestrians. Don’t concern yourself about the blind person who just walked into the back of your vehicle or the mother with a double buggy who risked her life and that of the children, walking into the busy road to get passed. Repairing the damaged pavement which isn’t designed to take the weight of a vehicle, will obviously be paid for by somebody else well after you’ve disappeared down the road.

(b) Park outside a school entrance. If you need to pick up your children you obviously don’t want to walk two feet to your parked car, let alone fifty. Join the other parents and just block the road with abandoned vehicles.

(c) Park in a bus stop. You’ll usually find these empty and you’re only going to be gone a few minutes anyway. If you’re in the process of dropping off some friends, technically you’re acting as a bus at that precise moment.

(d) Park within 10m (32ft) of a junction. This stupid rule wastes so much valuable parking space and for no obvious reason. Traffic exiting from a side road doesn’t really need to see in order to get out onto the main road. If they took a leaf out of your book they wouldn’t be stopping anyway.

(e) Park opposite a traffic island or alternatively, "On a traffic island". You can really cause some congestion with this one, especially if you don’t leave enough room for a large vehicle to get by. What else are those raised blocks of concrete for anyway if they’re not VIP parking places?

(f) Park alongside the lowered kerb which allows wheelchair users to cross the road. As you’re not in a wheelchair yet why should you care one iota about people who are. If it comes to a choice between giving up a parking spot or considering the disabled, they can stay on the pavement for all you care. After your impending accident you might think differently as you wheel you own chair along the pavement.

(g) Park in front of an entrance. Those six foot high letters spelling out "No Parking. In Use 24hrs a Day" or "Keep Clear" really translate to "We aren’t using this entrance at the moment. If you’re only going to be ten minutes then it’s OK to leave your car here" or "So long as it’s after 6pm or at the weekend it’s OK to park here". Who was it that said you couldn’t read?

141. Spaces reserved for disabled badge holders are open to anybody provided they’re only going to be gone for five minutes. In your mind after 6pm, disabled people should obviously be at home in bed and therefore don’t need special parking bays. This will be your justification for parking on a disabled bay during the evening. Don’t let the word "DISABLED" painted in giant letters on the road confuse you.

For those drivers who insist on stealing the limited parking space allocated to disabled people, Westminster provides a free relocation service and will remove your vehicle from its ignorantly parked position. For no charge at all, they’ll lift your car, transport it to the Paddington car pound and deposit it there. It will then cost you an arm and a leg to get it back again, because unfortunately that part of the deal isn’t free.

142 & 143. If you see a space on the opposite side of the road don’t concern yourself about the fact that you’re not facing the correct direction along the road. Any attempt to turn your vehicle around will obviously lose you the opportunity of parking there, because as soon as you move out somebody else will nip in. Just pull straight in and hope that nobody runs into the front of your car before morning.

144. Why should the fact that you might potential be causing a major accident affect the need for you to stop right next to your destination. Treat foggy conditions with the same lack of consideration that you approach any other motoring situation with. Think of yourself first and foremost.

145. If you need to load or unload ignore all parking or loading restriction and get on with it. For the authorities to expect you to only load outside of rush hours, when the street is quiet, is an infringement of your civil liberties. You should be able to load whenever you want too, not when they think it’s safe. What do you care if the traffic’s backed up for half a mile, you’ve got a job to do. If you’re feeling very lucky you could even try arguing that you were loading two chocolate bars and a can of pop from the newsagents after you find a ticket on your car windscreen.

146. Heavy goods vehicles must obviously park across the entire pavement when loading and for this period of time the use of the pavement is suspended. Not officially suspended but you try getting passed a sodding great truck which is parked only three inches from a brick wall.

147. Road works are usually situated at the most inconvenient point in your journey and the likelihood of actually seeing a workman, actively engaged in any work, is minimal. Use the empty, disappearing lane to undertake the queue of traffic filtering passed the obstruction. You’ll have to be very assertive when forcing your way back into the flowing lane again. Occasionally, you can dodge between the plastic cones reappearing again further up the line of traffic.

148. To have lower speed limits in areas of road works is totally ridiculous. You still need to get to your destination just as quickly as at any other time and your driving skill is still as magnificent as ever. You’re more than capable of handling the traffic cone chicane at top speed.

149. If your vehicle breaks down you must swear, curse, scream and blaspheme. Wherever it grinds to a halt (fast lane of a duel carriageway or the middle of a set of traffic lights) jump out, kick the wheels and pound your fists on the bonnet. The thought may cross your mind to move the vehicle to the side of the road (it would inconvenience the other traffic as little as possible) but just remember that you’ve been inconvenienced even more so to hell with them. They aren’t stopping to help you so why should you consider being nice to them.

150. The little red button on your dashboard which activates all four indicators is the hazard warning button. Until now you’ve considered it to be an anti parking ticket device. This may be a good time to use it if you don’t want your vehicle damaged by traffic approaching you from the rear that is.

151. If anything falls from your vehicle (child’s doll, dog’s bone, bumper, exhaust, engine, etc.) slam on the brakes in the middle of the road and get out to retrieve it. If it’s the exhaust which has fallen off don’t forget to shout "Shit! That’s hot!" and drop it again while blowing on your blistering hands.

152. If you see flashing blue lights in the distance instruct your passengers to get their cameras ready. There may have been an accident and you don’t want to miss the opportunity of catching all the blood on film for your personal photo album. When passing the scene of the accident you’ll obviously have to crawl at 1mph to give your passengers the opportunity of getting the best possible shots. If you’re driving alone then with practice you can drive and use a camera at the same time. This is a highly advanced form of trick driving and takes years of practice to master but don’t let that deter you from attempting it.

(a) Warn other traffic by jumping up and down, waving your arms and running back and forth across the road. They’ll believe that you’re trying to warn them of the obstructed highway. They’ll never realise that you’re just swearing at and cursing the other driver for causing an accident, which was really a result of your inability to follow even the simplest road courtesy rules.

(b) Arrange for the emergency services to be called to the scene and when the ambulance arrives demand that your grazed knee be considered more important than the other drivers multiple head injuries.

(c) Stay at the scene of the accident regardless of an overwhelming desire to get the hell out of there. If you run away you stand the chance of being caught, unless you have false license plates. If you stay you can try to convince the police that the accident wasn’t really your fault. Especially if the other driver’s unconscious and on a ventilator in the local intensive care unit.

154. Trucks carrying dangerous good are usually marked with warning diamonds and for some unknown reason prefer driving through highly populated areas, as opposed to the rural motorways. If you’re involved in an accident with one of these vehicles then run like shit in the opposite direction. You never really know what the hell these chemicals will do to you even if you just breathe them. Ignore all the other injured people and only think of yourself. Just because you caused the accident doesn’t make you responsible for them. They’re all full grown adults and capable of looking after themselves.