The London Alternative Highway Code

155. The rules prohibiting pedestrians and slow vehicles from using the motorway applies to everybody except yourself. If you want to get out of central London then hitch-hiking on the A40(M) will obviously produce better results than trying to get a lift on the smaller roads. If you ride a moped or cycle, provided you ride down the hard shoulder you won’t really be causing any obstruction (in your own mind at least).

156. Traffic on motorways travel slightly quicker than even you can usually obtain on urban roads, unless that is you’re stupid enough to try using it during rush hours. Your experience and quick thinking will be a valuable asset to you on this type of road.

157. Your vehicle should obviously be in a fit state to manage the leap into hyperspace without too many of the essential parts falling off. Tighten the string holding any loose items in place and ensure that you have sufficient supplies of soft drinks to prevent dehydration in traffic jams.

158. When joining a motorway, unless it’s at the very start, you’ll be using what’s called a slip road. This is so called because you just slip into the traffic which is already actually using the motorway. When you get to the point where the slip road meets the main motorway you have four primary options available:

(a) Put your foot hard on the floor and push your way between the two vehicle on the motorway who are so close together you can only just fit. After this you should swing directly into the outside lane and proceed at the fastest speed possible along the motorway.

(b) Meander aimlessly into the nearside lane of the motorway at a speed considerably slower than the vehicle you pull out in front of, thereby forcing them to brake very hard or swerve into the next lane. It’s your choice how fast you want to go and you shouldn’t let anyone intimidate you into joining at a speed equal to the rest of the traffic.

(c) Drive up to where the slip road converges into a point and after realizing that you can’t get into the flow of traffic on the motorway drive along the hard shoulder until you find a large enough gap to swing into.

(d) Proceed similar to the previous option but instead of driving on the hard shoulder you should break hard at the convergence and use it as a stop line, thereby forcing everybody behind you to do exactly the same.

159. At some junctions the slip road becomes the inside lane of the motorway. In these circumstances you have the opportunity to charge up the left side of all the traffic which is already on the motorway. With luck you’ll gain a considerable distance advantage before the slower moving traffic realizes the motorway is wider and pulls over.

160. Once you’re on the motorway you won’t want to stay in the left lane any longer than necessary. Take a quick glance in your offside mirror (optional) and swing across to the next lane before you get stuck behind any slow moving lorries.

161. When on the motorway you’ll obviously want to take full advantage of the lack of traffic signals and junctions which have previously delayed your journey out of the city. Move as quickly as possible to the outside lane and put your foot hard on the floor. Use your beam switch to flash your lights at any slower vehicles which are blocking your way. This is an internationally recognised code for "Get out of the bloody way". In addition to flashing your lights you can charge up to within two feet of the slower moving vehicle, then drop back six feet, before charging in again. If neither of these tactics works you’ll then have no choice but to sound your horn.

162. Driving on motorways can make you feel sleepy, especially after a long day at work and two hours sitting in solid traffic for the first mile of the road. If you feel yourself nodding off then open your window wide and stick your head out of it. If the flow of cool air doesn’t wake you up you’ll definitely snap out of it when a supersonic fly scores a direct hit in your eye. It’s a homing instinct which causes them to hit nowhere else apart from the bull's-eye.

163. If you miss your exit, in order to save time driving to the next one and then back down the opposite side of the motorway, you have a variety of options available:

(a) If the motorway is quiet you might consider doing a U-turn and quickly driving back down the hard shoulder before anyone else appears in the same direction as yourself. This is by far the most suicidal of the options but then you don’t really value your life that highly anyway.

(b) Where there’s a gap in the central divide you could swing quickly across the fast lanes and screech to a halt next to the gap. You’ll then need to charge across all the lanes of the opposite side of the motorway to put yourself in a position ready to exit the motorway on that side.

(c) In the event that you realised your mistake between the off ramp and next joining slip road, you may consider pulling onto the hard shoulder and reversing back down it to the missed off ramp. Alternatively you could drive down the hard shoulder to the joining slip road, then drive the wrong way along it in order gain access to the road you’re trying to reach.

(d) Finally if you’ve already passed the next joining slip road you could pull onto the hard shoulder and reverse along the slip road until you reach the road you’re aiming for. Extensive practice at reversing is required for this option so after ten minutes you should be able to slither your way along the hard shoulder quite effectively.

164. Different vehicles travel at different speeds, but many drivers like the look of one particular lane regardless of their intended speed. With practice you can weave in and out of the staggered vehicles with virtual ease.

165. When approaching the exit you’re aiming for and the left lane is obstructed by a slow moving vehicle, either overtake the vehicle and swing back across the front of it, driving across the dividing chevrons and onto the off ramp, or alternatively use the hard shoulder to get passed on the inside.

166. Some vehicles MUST NOT use the right hand lane of a motorway (unless they’re deluded into thinking that nobody else is looking). By driving in the middle lane, parallel to a vehicle in the nearside lane, and at equal speed, you can really annoy the drivers of these large vehicles and pay them back for their earlier trick of overtaking your snazzy sportscar with a dirty great lorry.

167. If you find a driver in front of you who won’t get out of your way you obviously have to get passed him somehow. If the lanes either side of him are blocked then use the hard shoulder or even possibly the central reservation. If you’re a very experience dangerous driver you could even drive your vehicle like a wedge between the two vehicles, effectively making a third lane out of the dividing line down the middle.

168. If you think there’s sufficient space to make it around another vehicle then go for it, otherwise you’ll never get out of the lane you’re in while the vehicles in the fast lane stream past you. When you see a small gap in the flowing traffic pull out quickly, then they’ll have no choice but to slow down and let you out. When changing lanes the use of indicators is inadvisable. They only encourage the drivers behind you to close the gap and thereby make it more difficult for you to change lanes.

169. Once you’ve succeeded in commandeering the fast lane under no circumstances should you relinquish your control over it, otherwise you may never get back out there again.

170. Motorway signals are those pretty little lights which usually hang on gantries over the top of the carriageways. On the whole they will mean very little to you apart from indicating that less competent drivers may actually obey them and therefore slow down your journey.

171. Flashing amber lights will usually be accompanied by a two digit number. As you’ve never even considered acknowledging the fixed speed limits the chances of you regarding variable ones any different is very slim. Sometimes words like ‘Fog’ or even little diagonal arrows will flash incessantly at you. If you don’t look up then you’ll never have to worry about any of them.

172. If you see red flashing lights on the overhead display it mean that the traffic will be coming to a screeching halt in front of you. This is frequently caused by a less competent driver than yourself attempting to copy your antics. The resultant spillage of bodily fluids will have caused an horrendous traffic jam, as everybody slows to 1mph in order to get a good look. If it was yourself and not your protégé, the chaos would have been behind you and you’d still be totally unaware of the situation.

173. The police have a nasty habit of trying to warn you well in advance of any hazards on the motorway. This may be necessary for lesser experienced drivers but with your superb vehicular handling skills you only need a split second’s notice of any impending danger.

174. Studs are the little coloured reflective cat’s eyes on the road. If you see red coloured lights on your right and amber colours to the left get ready to take avoiding action, you’re driving the wrong way down the motorway.

175. When you see advanced warning direction signs over the motorway you’ll know exactly how long you have left to overtake as many vehicles as possible before any exit. As usual leave it until the last moment before cutting across onto the exit slip ramp, leaving the scene of carnage well behind you. If you never look in your rear view mirror your conscience will always be clear.

176. Back at Rule 58 we covered how you should behave in fog. Just because motorway speeds are faster, and the likelihood of accidents greater, there’s no reason for you to behave any different.

177. Motorway road works will test your patience and destroy your confidence in the Department of Transport. Just when you think you’ve sussed out where they all are the DoT will move them all. They usually do this at night when you’re not looking just so they can confuse you when you’re heading into the city the next morning.

178. If anything falls from your vehicle whilst you’re driving along the motorway immediately swerve across all the lanes to your left and onto the hard shoulder. Reverse back to the point where your property fell off then stop. Using your superb skills of timing and instinct run like hell across the carriageways to retrieve your belongings. With a bit of luck the fast moving traffic will completely miss you and you’ll survive yet another day.

179. You may only technically stop on a motorway in an emergency. The term emergency though cover the following situations: using the bushes as a toilet, fishing off the river bridges, picking up hitch-hikers, dropping off a hitch-hiker where two motorways branch and obviously to exercise the dog or children on a long journey.

180. The only motorway you’re actually permitted to park on regularly is the M25. This motorway is internationally recognised as a car park so you’ll have a reasonable legal argument if you end up in court. Seasonal motorway parking is permitted on all Bank Holidays and during French lorry drivers’ disputes. On these special occasions most of the motorway network in Britain is temporarily converted to long term parking.

181. Picking up hitch-hikers on the motorway is an extremely risky business. You never really know where they’ve been or what they’ve been on, and quite often nor do they. Where they are heading is frequently totally different to where you’re actually going but they seem to think that you’ll be kind enough to drive fifty miles out of your way just for them.

182. If you’re taking a leisurely stroll across the countryside and a dirty great motorway just happens to be in your way don’t let this deter you in the slightest. Walking was invented long before the wheel and is still practiced by many humans, with the exception of those who’ve ingested large quantities of alcohol, who have revert to prehistoric crawling. Meander across to the central divide, stopping at the lane divide lines if necessary. Once you’ve scaled the central crash barrier cross the opposite carriageway before continuing on your journey across the fields. Just remember that if the hedgehogs can do it, why shouldn’t you.

183. If your vehicle begins to splutter and cough there’s a good probability that it has a mechanical problem. Obviously your knowledge of mechanics could be printed on the back of a matchbox and with a modern vehicle you’d need a degree in computer sciences anyway. If you can’t crawl your vehicle off the motorway to a garage then pull onto the hard shoulder. Lift up the bonnet and wiggle all the electrical connections to ensure they’re secure. Stand back, observe the effects of your mechanical intervention and attempt to start the engine once again. When this attempt to restart the engine fails slam the car door and curse the day you bought the heap of junk.

184. If by some miracle, unexplained by modern science, you actually manage to restart the engine you’ll need to rejoin the speeding traffic on the motorway. Look for a suitable gap and pull out into the nearside lane. Any traffic previously using that lane will begrudgingly move over to facilitate your re-entry onto the motorway.

185. You’re usually expected to leave a motorway by the slip road although various other methods are possible. With your expertise in driving the more likely alternatives are: ambulance, coroner’s van or hearse. Other possibilities include: flying off the raised sections of elevated motorways or rolling down the embankment into a field. Whatever method you choose to use remember to do it in style. Presentation is paramount under these circumstances.

186. If you actually manage to exit the motorway by use of a slip road your speed will obviously be in excess of that normal for the smaller roads you plan to drive on. Charge headlong down the slip road until you’re nearly at the roundabout or junction underneath. At this point you’ll obviously realise your speed is considerably faster than previously anticipated and consequently, you’ll need to reduce speed quickly. With practice you’ll be able to swing around the roundabout on two wheels whilst barely maintaining control of your anal sphincters at the same time.

187. Choose the correct cycle based on your need for speed and agility. A cycle designed for racing, as well as mounting kerbs, is by far the most appropriate purchase. With a racing machine you can keep your head down and not have to look at what’s ahead of you. You don’t intend to take any notice of other road users anyway so the less you know about them the easier it will be on your conscience.

188. The general condition of your cycle will depend on your reason for having one in the first place. If you work as a cycle courier then brakes will be of little use to you during your daily toil. Speed will be your primary concern and kerb mounting capabilities coming a close second. For those riders who use their cycle to show off to their office colleagues the name on the frame will be of the utmost importance. Designer bicycles for pathetic designer yuppies.

189. A bell or horn will be an unnecessary expense and totally superfluous. Your vocabulary is more than adequate to express your opinions about the other road users. With all the noise of the city streets a pathetic little bicycle bell wouldn’t compete anyway.

190. Fluorescent bands and reflective clothing make you easier to see and consequently they’ll give you a distinct disadvantage when you try to sneak down the side of traffic. Cycle helmets are recommended for all but cycle courier who are considered clinically brain dead anyway. This will become obvious if you watch the way they ride. The effect of wearing a cycle helmet will make you completely invulnerable and you therefore shouldn’t suffer any injuries if you’re involved in an accident. This delusion should sustain you throughout your city cycling lifetime, even though it will probably be a very short one.

192. Anything that you’ve read so far in this book is totally irrelevant to cyclists. As a fully fledged cyclist with no licence to be lost and no registration plate to be traced from, you can do exactly what you please. The minimal police enforcement of the traffic regulations in the West End will make it extremely improbable that you’ll even be stopped and cautioned let alone charged with anything.

193. Don’t bother to look before you take off into the road as looking will only encourage second thoughts. If at all possible don’t even use first thoughts when you’re out on the road itself or you may realise the foolishness of your actions.

194. As you’re riding along the road you need to be on the lookout for any potential hazards. Pot holes and raised drain covers are very common on the city streets and they’ll snare you quicker than you think. Be extremely wary of parked cars as the drivers will attempt to get even with you for being more manoeuvrable and able to get across the city faster than their flashy sports cars. Swinging their drivers door into your path is a favourite pastime in the West End.

195. Where the local council have built road humps or a deliberate narrowing, be aware that the vehicular traffic will become very erratic, especially with respect to their speed and position in the road. This could be a good time to jump your cycle onto the pavement and charge through the meandering pedestrians.

196. When you need to park your cycle you have a multitude of options available to you. The local authorities have generously built guard rails, lampposts and parking meters, where you can easily chain your steed to. If none of these convenient cycle chaining positions are available just lean your cycle up against the bollard on a traffic island or the traffic light post at a pedestrian crossing.

197. In a queue of traffic waiting to turn left, slide down the inside of them and swing across the front at the last moment before continuing straight on. You’ll not only gain a considerable distance advantage but also test the reactions of the lead car which was just about to turn across the front of you.

198. When you intend to turn right ahead you need to move your cycle to the centre of the road and then sit precariously between two lanes of lunatic drivers speeding passed in opposing directions.

199. Traffic lights will be totally irrelevant to you as a fully fledged cyclist. As previously explained in rule 192 cycles are not required to follow any road regulation by virtue of the fact that it will be neigh on impossible to trace you if you’re not stopped at the time. They can take as many photographs of you as they like. It will do them no good in the long run.

200. If you feel like taking your life into your hands then roundabouts are the place to do it. No advice can really be given here except to close your eyes and PRAY.

201. Long vehicles on a roundabout make the situation even more dangerous for you. They have this habit of turning one way, then suddenly changing their minds just to confuse you. If you’re a practised city cyclist then you can try to use your small size and manoeuvrability to quickly get passed them or alternatively underneath them.

202. The easiest way to tackle a roundabout is to mount the kerb and cycle through the underpasses, using the wheelchair ramps to gain access. If you find any pedestrians in your way just charge straight through them and they’ll usually move aside.

203. When using bus lanes you will need nerves of steel, as a bloody great double decker bus bears down on you and attempts to pass you with only inches to spare. To safeguard yourself against this close overtaking you must ride in the centre of the bus lane and snake down the road, effectively forcing the bus to stay behind you. Do you really care at all about his schedule?

204. With a little practice you can cause absolute chaos on a dual carriageway. Keep moving between the different lanes and obstruct the motor vehicles as much as possible. You can ruin their first opportunity to accelerate for ages.

205. You’ll find cycle lanes a very useful additions to your journey. In-between the parked vans and lorries blocking them while delivering to shops.

206. Cycle lanes are indicated by a solid white line on the carriageway. In addition to the dividing line the cycle lane is usually covered in bright red or green tarmac. This surprisingly won’t stop cars from thinking that it’s their part of the road.

207. Cycle tracks can be found next to footpaths. Where this is the case the pedestrians should keep off your track but remember the situation isn’t a reciprocal one. You still have just as much right to bowl over pedestrians on the pavement as you do in any other circumstance.

208. When cycle tracks cross from one side of the road to the other a set of traffic lights especially for you may be in position. You should obviously treat these lights with a much regard as you do their bigger brothers on the main roads.

(a) Ride without using your hands. With balance being the only way for you to steer you should fall off after the first passing lorry.

(b) When travelling in a group the only way to communicate is to ride alongside each other. If this means blocking the entire road then so be it.

(c) Use larger vehicles to save your energy. By holding onto the back of a truck or bus you can save your legs for a later time when there’s less traffic.

(d) Try riding while carrying large amounts of baggage. A bag of shopping on each handle will suitably destabilize the steering enough to liven up your trip.

210. Carrying a second person on the crossbar will equally cause sever stability problem but then an expert cyclist like you can cope with anything.

211. Getting drunk and falling into the gutter from a bicycle is very inadvisable. Not only do the drink driving laws apply to bicycles as well as cars, but the gutters are full of excrement. Adding yourself to the total is very unfair to the already hard working street cleaners.