The London Alternative Highway Code

Although looking very formidable, the Metropolitan Police can be considered as the least of your worries. They have the largest bite and can completely digest your driving licence in one gulp but are very sparse on the ground. Take the risk if you choose but don’t blame me if you get eaten alive because you’re in the unlucky one percent.

Flying high above the streets of London, these impressive birds of prey are after bigger catches than the likes of you. Stupid, inconsiderate and positively dangerous driving can be overlooked if you own the car. The same kind of driving by a car thief will be sufficient for the police to unleash this guided weapon, and after homing in on you the chances of escape becomes low.

Dotted throughout the centre of London like rabbit snares, these photographic additions to the nightscape provide a remarkable stroboscopic display as drivers zoom by without a care in the world, and spectacular flashes light the city streets. If you’re unlucky enough to be the one flashed while there’s still film in the camera it will be considerably more costly than taking your holiday snaps into the local chemist. The chances of getting caught are still surprisingly low with this formidable weapon, probably because the film only lasts about twenty minutes. When the police link them all together with digital photography and a central computer then you’ll need to be wary, unless the computer overloads as all your competitors clamber to get their photographs taken as well.

This modern version of the nationally renowned yellow peril Traffic Warden is considerably more efficient than their public service equivalent. The effect of the private sector on parking enforcement has made your chances of parking illegally, without penalty, extremely unlikely in central London.

Wheel clamping will be your biggest nightmare. With your usual couldn’t care less approach to parking, paying the meter, or better still paying the right meter, will be difficult for you to accomplish. The central London authorities have teams of highly motivated parasites prowling the streets for easy prey like yourself. Just ensure that you carry sufficient cash to buy your way out of this mess and plenty of time to spare, sitting for hours waiting for the clamp to be removed.

Don’t expect any preferential treatment if you drive an expensive car. A wheel clamp fits equally well on a Rolls Royce as it does on a Mini. The inanimate lumps of green metal are totally indiscriminate in who they restrain and contrary to popular belief the people who put then on aren’t psychic and don’t know that an empty car belongs to somebody of opposite gender, race, religion, sexual preference, political party or whatever.

Unfortunately even the godly aren’t above the law. An empty parking meter only needs to be given a morsel of ‘bread’ to keep the vultures happy and all the prayers in the world won’t persuade the parking officials to throw away your earthly bonds until you make recompense to the local authority.

If you think you’re too big to be wheel clamped then you’ll be in for a nasty surprise when you return to your truck or coach. Contrary to popular belief foreign coaches aren’t immune from penalty because they can throw away the ticket on return to Europe. Many of the unwary are caught in the local council’s net as it closes around them and even larger lumps of green metal find themselves attached to giant wheels. Making an excuse that you didn’t know you had to pay the meter won’t work. Throughout Europe any professional driver knows that if you park beside a money box on a stick, you to have to feed it.

For your more ignorant behavior, which leaves your vehicle in a position causing an obstruction, the local council provides a quick and efficient relocation service. For an exorbitant fee they’ll relocate your car to where it won’t be in anybody’s way. The vehicle pound behind Paddington station is where you’ll find it, if you can afford to get it back.

These are a very unpredictable creatures of considerable agility. As a pedestrian or a driver you’ll be amazed by the acrobatics that this small insect can perform. If you’re extremely lucky you’ll get a warning of its presence by a soft whirring sound emanating from its rotating wheels. Unfortunately it’s also very common for this creature to sting an unwary pedestrian before knowledge of its presence is ever known. They’ll swarm across any terrain in central London. Vehicular, pedestrian, public or private. Nobody is safe from this creature and no effective cure has yet been found.

Being similar to cycle couriers in some ways, these creatures are larger, noisier and less agile than their unmotorised cousins. To make up for this deficiency their sting is considerably more painful and lasting. Easily recognised in a crowd by their distinctive fluorescent yellow stripes on a black leather background, pedestrians are fairly safe if they stay on the pavement. These creatures are notorious for riding down the wrong side of the road, across red traffic lights and in bus lanes. When crossing any road where the traffic is apparently stationary, one of them will invariably be charging up the middle of the line of vehicles. If driving through central London, under no circumstances challenge the authority of a motorcycle courier unless you crave severe verbal abuse. To observe these remarkable specimens during a period of relaxation the northern end of Carnaby Street is an ideal vantage point. Here you’ll usually find a large swarm of them buzzing around the public toilets there.

An amazing creature which primarily sports a sleek black coat, very distinctive shape and remarkable speed and agility. A few different variations to this predominant theme can be found but the black version is by far the most common variety. These fearsome cats will lie in wait for any unsuspecting prey, then without warning they’ll bound towards their chosen meal with a total disregard for any other road users. Even pedestrians aren’t safe from this unpredictable creature as pavements present no obstacle when engaging in U-turns. While driving along the road you can expect to observe some very erratic manoeuvres as they stalk the streets of London for potential victims. Like feline kings of the urban jungle black cabs will demand that all other traffic clears a path for them and you’ll hear a fearsome roar if you fail to do this.

A creature which is indigenous to London and draws a considerable number of tourists on safaris to the city in order to view this endangered species of the British Isles. Despite the apparent abundance of these creatures on the streets of London a concerted effort has been made by the European parliament to wipe out all but a few which have already been preserved in zoos around the world. Very distinctively looking with their thick red hides, these ancient Goliaths of the London streets will plod slowly along for long periods, then suddenly charge for a short distance before bringing themselves to a sharp halt once again. Any regular driver in London soon learns to treat these creature with great respect. Although considerably slower and less agile than most other road users their impressive bodyweight is a formidable weapon in any confrontation.

These large distinctive creatures are a very common sight on the streets of central London. They will plod slowly along the roads surrounding all the major tourist attractions and congregate in great herds at the familiar sites like Marble Arch, Piccadilly circus and Leicester Square. Converted to carry a fair number of tourists on their backs, the handler’s mate can be easily heard explaining the sights as these creatures take their slow methodical steps. Any driver unfamiliar with the nature of these animals can easily be caught at their tail and will find it increasingly difficult to pass as the experienced drivers charge passed. When at their regular watering holes their keepers will pester any passers-by to ride on the backs of these partially tamed beasts.

Found in a variety of different colours and nationalities these creatures are linked by a common personality trait, the ability to sit their massive bulk anywhere and refuse to move out of your way. Teaming with little flies that buzz around this creature, it will take all your patience to refrain from running down the annoying swarms of insects. Don’t even attempt to communicate with any of these animals. The hippos with just sit there and ignore you while the flies will buzz a completely different language and refuse to speak anything else.

Here are a few examples of how the professionals approach the issue of The Highway Code. Although the author isn’t party to the detailed reasons for the vehicles being in these positions, there wasn’t any evidence to suggest a response to an emergency call. When the drivers amble into the police station, hamburger outlet and other such places one can only surmise that they’re doing their shopping or having a coffee break, just like the rest of us mere mortals.

Not only does our PC Plod rely on his steel toe-capped boots to save him from the passing vehicles, a foreign tourist asking for directions, is encouraged to risk his life as well. As we’ve already seen in this book, vehicles have little or no respect for the pavements, let alone any kerbstones, and the proximity of a passing cycle courier is evidence to the precarious nature of this duo.

With its distinctive fluorescent red stripes, this police van isn’t just permitted to park on a double yellow line while nipping into the police station for a coffee break, the pavements are fair game as well. Obviously how to obstruct the pavement is one of the lessons on the curriculum at police driving school. Blind pedestrians must be equipped with special radar which allows them to avoid walking into the back of police vehicles. Just send the bill for repairing the cracked paving slabs to the Metropolitan Police Commissioner at New Scotland Yard.

If you follow the dotted white line in the middle of the road you’ll soon find a convenient parking place. While this is an acceptable place to park while a police driver dives into a hamburger outlet for his lunch, if you try the same trick yourself you’re liable to be awarded a number of points on your previously nice clean licence.

Not only are the police good at setting a bad example, the City of Westminster parking enforcement vehicles are just as immune from parking regulations. Who’s going to ticket not just one wheel clamping van, but seven of them, while the drivers pop into their base station.