I propose a comprehensive policy of government departmental reorganization to provide the farm, and other, animals in our midst with happy and fulfilling lives. At least from calves to T-bone steaks, from piglets to pork chops and lambs to shepherd's pie.

No longer will our farm animals be forced to live in squalor while farmers drive around in brand new Range Rovers. Anything a farmer does to an animal in his care, short of making steaks out of it, he should be willing to endure himself. If we have sheep dips, then equally the farmer should be dipped. The same applies to milking machines and the farmer's wife.

The 'Animal' will be put back into 'Animal Farm' as well as the 'T' back into T-bone steak. Animal welfare will be my foremost campaign, as a happy, well nourished animal will produce the best quality steaks in the world.

Excellence in animal edibility will be my goal, with good wholesome meat, rather than the disgusting garlic covered muck imported from across the English Channel.

• Income Tax - All citizens will be rounded up and taxed in the old traditional way of cows, sheep, goats and pigs. Unfortunately though, a large proportion of the population now live in cities, with little or no access to real livestock. For this reason a new set of coins will be issued to reflect old traditional currency.

• Currency - In place of the traditional coins of the realm each monetary denomination will be replaced by metallic tokens in the shape of livestock and other edible foodstuffs, with their value branded onto them. These will then be exchanged for goods of the equivalent value in retail stores as is currently the case.

• Getting used to this new form of currency may take some practice, but on the whole 50 duckies made a deerie, you can pig out on ten turkeys, look sheepish with only half a cow (not preserved in formaldehyde ) and men can play with the nuts in their trousers without fear of condemnation. Just remember that if you look after your nuts then the duckies will take care of themselves.

• Legal Tender - Nuts will only be accepted up to a maximum of ten at a time, as too many nuts can be annoying. Anyone who attempts to pay with more nuts than deemed legal tender will be considered a 'nutter', arrested and sent to a 'nut house' for treatment.

• V.A.T (Venison Affluence Tax) - It will be deemed that if you can afford to eat venison, then you can afford to pay extra tax to the community. The same will be said for caviar, salmon, Quail, Pheasant and any of the garlic covered muck served in Froggy restaurants.

• As the Queen primarily feasts on extravagant foods, then not only will she be forced to pay tax, but will be taxed at the highest rate of V.A.T. allowable. If she changes her diet to more traditional dishes like cod 'n' chips or pie 'n' mash, then we'll consider a tax reduction after all back calculated taxes have been collected.

• The Duke of Edinburgh on the other hand will be issued with a 'gaff box'. This is not a crotch protector against incompetent fishermen, but a collection box which will work similar to a 'swear box'. Instead of contributing for foul language though, the Duke will be expected to pay 10,000 ducks every time he opens his mouth in public before engaging his miniscule brain.

• Uniform Division - A bill intended to protect the porcine population's civil rights will also work just as effectively in the metaphorical as well as the absolute. The only difference is that our metaphorical porkies will not be turned into bangers. The only exception to this condition will be the vice squad, where bangers are actually desirable. Porking duty will be actively encouraged in the vice squad in order to collect sufficient evidence to bring any successful prosecution, and who said work couldn't be fun as well.

• Traffic Division - Pig ignorant driving, playing chicken, being a right cow, getting the other driver's goat and being a complete peanut head will not be tolerated. Tinned pandas will be made available at all times to deal with these kings of the jungle highway. Giant pandas on the other hand will be stationed outside kebab shops.

• Additionally our portable porcine population will be issued with plastic pigs (Reliant Robins) in place of their high performance pandas. This will reduce the number of high speed chases to zero, while at the same time cutting the police tyre budget by 25%.

• Magistrates Courts - As an alternative to being tried by a jury of your peers the magistrate's courts will be reorganized to reflect a modern honest approach to judicial matters. After importing large quantities of marsupials from Australia I propose to replace all our magistrates and make the current kangaroo court system a real kangaroo court system. Even six foot jumped up antipodean outbackers could do better than our current six foot jumped up social status packers.

• Land Mines - The use of land mines is a very dangerous practice and can cause severe injury and suffering. As an alternative I propose that the army lay cowpats in medium to long grass. The benefits will be similar as the enemy curses what they've trodden in, and consequently any attack would have been thwarted. From that point on no self respecting soldier would use that field. A perfect example of a natural biodegradable landmine.

• S.A.S. (Special Animal Service) - The use of canines in the armed forces has long been established, but since the cavalry were given Jeeps instead of horses the remainder of the animal kingdom has been discriminated against. I propose to introduce a bill preventing discrimination against animals in our armed services. Equally the German Shepherd shouldn't get all the best jobs. A Chihuahua can be just as effective as a guard dog and as a bonus can get into places other dogs can't get. Other Special Animal Service units suggested are as follows:

• S.B.S. (Special Bovine Service) - A special insurgent unit will be founded consisting entirely of bulls. These recruits will infiltrate china shops around the world and destroy the crockery industry of that country. Additionally the new H.Q. of the S.B.S. will be located on the Isle of Wight at Cowes, and from there animals will be smuggled over to France to infiltrate their beef herds. In no time at all we can get French beef banned worldwide.

• The Cod War - I propose that we should reestablish a state of war with our international fishing rivals. If a foreign registered vessel dares to steal British fish then the offending ship should be boarded and the crew sentenced to one hundred lashes with the catgut of nine fish tails. Alternatively we could campaign to bring back the pirch, introduce the electric eel chair or have the enemy run through with a swordfish, maybe even keelhauled the full bream of the ship. At all costs we should avoid a state of tench warfare, as this would lead to a prolonged conflict. Depending on the scale of the offence, when the punishment is fin-ished the culprit should be tuna-ed over to the civilian authorities for filleting.

• The Cod-dled War – We should all cherish and protect the fish stocks within British water. This will be achieved by constructing pylons at one hundred yard intervals along the line where British fishing waters start. Anchored nets will then be hung between these pylons and foreign trawlers kept out. British fish will truly be British fish for a change.

• Bomber Command - To compliment an organic approach to modern life, I propose that all traditional bombers be replaced with flying pigs that have been fed on laxative chocolates. This strategy will be more effective than using high explosives because the enemy will naturally run away and cause panic.

• Weather Forecasting - Improvement to the country's weather forecasting system has long been overdue. We cannot continue to predict weather based on if the weatherman says it's going to be sunny, we carry a brolly, and if he says it will rain, we dig out the sunglasses. In future we will harness the power of mother nature to predict what is happening in the skies above, and on the whole couldn't do worse than the Met Office. A national red sky watching service will be set up, along with records of when cows lie down and birds fly south.

• Unemployment Benefit - All those receiving unemployment benefit will be required to contribute 25hrs/wk towards running newly set up city farms. Not only will these farms provide city folk with a taste of the country and children with a live petting zoo, the meat produced will help supplement the school kitchens. The allocating of 25hrs/wk is set so that 10hrs still remains to go permanent job hunting.

• Disability Benefit - Only three legged dogs, one eyed bed snakes, Manx cats and hibernating tortoises will be eligible for this payment. Lesser payment could be made for fish out of water and the hair of the dog after a loony party.

• Family Allowance - Any family that breeds like rabbits should therefore be rewarded with free supplies of carrots. If used correctly they could successfully provide a marked degree of organic contraception.

• Child Support Agency - All bucking rabbits who hare around the carrot patch will be required to support their bunnies financially after the event. Failure to do this will result in the absentee bucks being forced to boil their carrots in oil until suitably sterilized.

• Administration - Bullshit paperwork will be abolished under a blanket 'cut the bull' policy. This will not mean castration for all men, although it may a policy worth considering in the future. Cutting bull on this occasion will refer to excessive bureaucracy and not testicles.

• Buildings - Some of our current hospital are not even suitable for treating dogs in. Lack of facilities & equipment, poor decoration and nowhere to park your trusty steed are the most common complains in this area. I propose to use the money saved from administration to bring the hospital facilities up to a level of acceptability. Additionally the administration departments of hospital will be moved from the newest, most recently refurbished parts of the facility, to the basements. Patients recovering from surgery and illness will inherit their plush office suites as wards.

• Doctors - As it takes many years to train a doctor it seems crazy to turn them into zombies by working them into the ground. It is my proposal that any manager forcing a doctor to work more than eight hours without a break automatically takes responsibility for any mistakes he then makes. Only this action will stop managers acting like ostriches when it comes to patient safety.

• General Policy - A national bovine awareness campaign will be introduced and from early in our children's schooling the cow's position in our food chain will be heartily emphasized.

• Pre-School - Emphasis at this stage of the educational system will be placed on identifying what a cow is and how to tell the difference between a cow and a bull. This will be an essential requirement in later schooling.

• Infants - Free school milk will be reintroduced nationally, with a cow being provided for every infants school in the country. At this stage though the pupils will only take an observational role as the teachers extract dairy produce from the animal. Note:- Hindu schools will be allowed to substitute a goat or sheep under an anti discrimination clause.

• Primary - By this level of education the pupils should be taking an active role themselves in milking the school cow. No longer will they sit watching the teacher squeeze the udders when they are more than capable of doing it themselves.

• Secondary - Milk supplements will no longer be fashionable to this age group, but burgers and hot dogs will be. All secondary schools will therefore be equipped with an abattoir to convert unwanted infant & primary school animals into desirable, dubiously nutritious meals.

• Unemployment - There will technically be no such thing as unemployment as every able-bodied man, woman and child will take an active role in society. Those capable of tending city farms will be employed to do so, and those who are not will assist in other ways. Even single mothers will be able to join in, as communal work groups will ensure that one mother can look after the little ones, whilst the others assist with the work. For those who conscientiously object to animal farming an arable alternative will be provided.

• Apprenticeships - It is proposed that a system of apprenticeships be reintroduced. Throughout the animal kingdom it has been found that learning from example produces results, so why should humans be different. Books may be a useful source of information but no amount of bookwork can replace hands-on experience.

• Farm Subsidies - All farm subsidies should go directly to the livestock and not to fund the farmer's new range rover. To ensure this, any subsidy should be paid in animal feed and not cash. The only exception to this rule being payment in grass seed to rejuvenate pastures for hungry cows.

• Beef Ban - Instead of banning beef we should ban the bull headed bureaucrats who impose bans. This ban will then be made effective until they attend common sense courses. As the risk of being gored by a bull, whilst crossing the M25 on roller skates, poses a larger risk than T-bone steaks, then maybe we should ban roller skates.

• Vegetarianism - As the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries and Food are responsible for all forms of nutrition then vegetarians should be excluded from holding position within the ministry, as they will be in a position of influence where bias is obvious. It is like employing Muslims in a pork scratching factory or Catholics in an abortion clinic.

• Crop Circles - It will become a criminal offence to possess a crop circle under the illegal immigration laws. Any farmer caught encouraging alien spacecraft to dump their unwanted citizens on our country will be sentenced to a lifetime of alien abduction.

• Pesticides & Fertilizers - If a farmer wishes to use any of these products he must first show that they won't poison the water table. To indicate this he will be given a dilute solution of the chemicals to drink. If he then has no adverse reaction after one year of medical observation he will be granted permission to proceed. If at any time after the initial one year observation he eventually gets taken ill then his authority to use the chemicals will be revoked.

• Genetically Modified Crops - Scientists will be actively encouraged to perfect a procedure for crossing hops with beef cows. This will effectively reduce the cost of pub grub by making steak & ale pie a single ingredient course. The same procedure could then be employed with sea fish and potatoes to reduce the cost of buying food from fish 'n' chip shops.

• Genetically Modified Crop Circles - To make our landscape more appealing to birds and tourists flying into the country, a policy of genetically modifying arable crops with Vincent Van Gough DNA will be implemented. Instead of the usual boring circles, holes and spirals, we could have very picturesque crop circles instead. Under no circumstances will scientists be permitted to use the DNA of modern artists as this would make the fields look like a bull had escaped into it.

• Fresh Water Fishing - All anglers should be issued with fish friendly hooks to reduce any suffering to defenseless river dwellers. Instead of the usual barbed metal hook, all anglers will be required to use licorice worms coated in waterproof adhesives. Additionally the anglers will be required to carry fish friendly solvents to release the fish from the worm after capture.

• Pollution - All industrial pollution will be forbidden. Only cow dung will be permitted to pollute our countryside, but the negative aspects of this will be negated by my energy policy.

• Wildlife - All non bovine wildlife will be eaten also. Kill it, cook it will be an appropriate motto. Killing will be compulsory, cooking optional. Raw meat is acceptable but live meat can bite you back.

• Green Policy - To combat the dull grey, unsightly, urban sprawl, I propose to make green coloured concrete a prerequisite to all new construction projects, whether they be road, rail , industrial or housing. The only exception to this rule being the construction of bridges spanning a river. These structures will be made with green concrete on the approaches and blue concrete on the river span.

• Natural Disasters - A policy of public education is proposed to prevent mass hysteria when a natural disaster occurs. If you buy a house on a river floodplain, then don't be surprised when it gets flooded. Equally coastal erosion zones will result in your property eventually falling into the sea and anybody stupid enough to build a house on an earthquake fault needs to be certified criminally insane.

• Railways - The national pastime of playing sardines during rush-hour will be discontinued. Instead of this it is proposed that we build double decker trains to accommodate all the passengers. Because the bridges are too low though, it will be necessary to design carriages that will duck every time a bridge approaches.

• Channel Tunnel - As the channel tunnel was constructed in entirely the wrong location it should be demolished and rebuilt from Essex to Holland. We get on very well with the Dutch, who on the whole are much nicer people than the French. They don't refuse our wonderful beef. Dover-Calais may be the shortest distance but with the Dutch experience in land reclamation we should be able to build a six lane highway with bridges linking man made islands across the North Sea. If the Americans can link all the Florida Keys then the North Sea shouldn't be that difficult.

• The regional diversity in Britain should be actively encourage, as one man's preference may be another man's poison. In the inner cities for example the consumption of fast food hamburgers may have destroyed the ability to recognize real beef entirely. A voluntary policy of fast food desensitizing will be encouraged and burger rehabilitation clinics established in rural areas. With patience and dedication our urban population could once again savor the delights of real British beef.

• Retail - A comprehensive re-tail policy will be one of my top priorities after election to parliament. Re-tailing Oxen, Manx cats, Doberman Pinchers and adulterous husbands will be funded centrally from DTI funds, with the exception of adulterous husbands, who will have their appendages replaced by the NHS, (Only if they promise not to stray any more though).

• Wholesale - Restricting wholesale to business sales is unfair on the general public. If an ordinary citizen wants to buy baked beans by the 100 can case, then why shouldn't they? Anybody found doing so though should be referred to the Alternative Energy Authority and asked to contribute towards the new wind power initiative.

• Service Industry - The servicing of sheep in the hills of Yorkshire will be by strict rotation. Each Yorkshireman will be issued with a registration card and rationed to one sheep per week per person. This will ensure fair shares for everybody and adequate periods of rest for the sheep.

• Poor Service Industry - All servicing will be graded on a scale of 1-10 and any man consistently scoring less than five will have his ration card revoked. If on the other hand anyone has 52 consecutive grade 10s in a given year he will be awarded a giant loony rosette.

• The Performing Arts - The Royal College of Arts will be encouraged to set up a new division specifically dedicated to training pantomime cows. The importance of a bovine influence in the performing arts has long been undervalued and superbitches instead of right cows are too common.

• Museums & Art Galleries - Cutting cows in half and preserving them in formaldehyde will be outlawed. It's a waste of good steaks and an infringement of the cow's right to privacy. Would you want your insides displayed for all to see?

• Libraries - All reading rooms should be encouraged to stock informative books like '101 ways to cook beef' and 'The best barbecue book in the world'. The science and art of cow cookery has lapsed recently and public access to recipes will be considered an important goal during my parliamentary term.

• Television - A new television channel should be established, entirely devoted to cookery programs featuring British beef. The Barbecued Bovine Cuisine (BBC) television station will be backed up by a second channel called Interestingly Tasty Veal (ITV). This second channel may be just a load of old bullocks but further channels could be added at a later date.

• Athletics - To encourage excellence in British athletics our budding athletes will be given additional encouragement by training in a field containing a bull, while wearing bright red tracksuits.

• School Sports - Bucking broncos will supplement sex education lessons in secondary schools. Not only will the young males get the ride of their lives but unwanted teenage pregnancies will be reduced, as the boys will be too sore to think of any hanky panky.

• The Scottish Executive will be encourage to clamp down on the long haired layabout Aberdeen Angus cows that wander around the glens. Haircuts will be suggested for all socially unacceptable bovine citizens and all cows refusing to accept this will be forcibly cropped.

• My intention would be to rebuild Hadrian's Wall close to its original lines and let the barbarians to the north of it run their own affairs.

• Using the original point Hadrian chose to draw a line across the country will be beneficial in two ways:

• There really will be a welcome in the hillside as England demands that the Welsh stop burning down holiday homes belonging to members of the secret society E.W.E.S. (Experts in Wooly Entry Society). It's unfair to both sheep and sheepspotter to refuse these enterprising hill-walkers a degree of shelter during their exploits.

• It is proposed that Wales be given sovereign independence on the proviso that the wonderful village of Llanfairpwllgwyngyllgogerychwyrndrobwllllantysiliogogogoch is made into their capital. This will infuriate every other country in the United Nations when they try to write the address on any official documentation.

• Ambassadors - All British ambassadors to foreign countries will be dual trained in zoology and culinary arts. This will ensure that this country will never fall behind in the field of carnivorous colonial conquests. Additionally the serving of boiled missionaries at embassy functions will be re-instituted. This will have two immediate benefits:

• Diplomatic Immunity - There will be no diplomatic immunity. Diplomats will be eaten also, although they are notoriously unpalatable at the best of times. To sweeten them up prior to serving they should be garnished with sleaze payments.

• Europe - As Europe seems to be full of mad cows and unwilling to accept any British ones, then it is proposed that all diplomatic links be cut immediately. If frogs want to suck sauerkraut sausages over a dish of rich chocolate covered cheese wheels then why not, provided we don't have too. We should keep our straight cucumbers and curved bananas. Call our chocolate what it is and not vegolate as the silly EEC want us too. We should be proud to be British and not just another mad cow in the infected herd of European politics. Unfortunately the EEC are suffering from a severe case of B.S.E. (Blind Stupidity Epidemic) and even the human form, Chronic Jackass Deliriums.

• North America - All British restaurants will be forced to follow the American example and only charge one third of the current price for a steak meal. Equally the size of the steaks will increase in accordance with the same comparison. No longer will American tourists be able to constantly complain that they get bigger ones back home.

• South America - As the Falklands war has been over for a considerable length of time, I propose that all the sheep on the islands be given the chance to accept Argentinean citizenship if they so choose. Any sheep not completing the required application forms will remain British and at the end of the exercise a count will be taken. If the majority of native sheep are British then this should be taken as an indication that the islands should remain such. If most of the sheep decided to become Argentinean then their choice should be respected.

• Asia - All efforts should be made to obtain recipes from China, Vietnam and other Asian countries. Pussy cat pie, snakes & adders and real hot dogs are very undervalued as a food item in this country, but what the Chinese don't know about skinning cats isn't worth knowing.

• Australia - As Australia seems to have an overabundance of kangaroos, and we need good quality steaks at affordable prices, I propose importing breeding pairs of these meaty marsupials and set up a kangaroo farm on the Isle of Wight. This location should ensure that no meat escapes before being turned into prime steaks and shipped all over the country.

• Africa - Maybe we should just let Africa look after itself for a change. I'm sure they are pig sick of every European and North American nation sticking their noses into their personal affairs.

• Quarantine - As humans carry just as many, if not more, diseases than animals, they too should be subjected to quarantine restrictions, if such draconian measures are deemed necessary.

• As some communicative diseases can take a year to manifest, then it would be reasonable to quarantine the humans for this length of time. If the quarantine centres are made of reasonable quality, incorporating swimming pools, satellite TV, leisure centres and multiplex cinemas, it could even be worthwhile going on holiday just to stay in quarantine ready for the next one.

• Drug Smuggling - Drug testing on animals should be restricted to this group of parasites only. Any drugs found in the possession of a smuggler should immediately be administered to that animal. If they're only small time smugglers, with a small quantity for personal use, then they have nothing to worry about. It will be the pet cemetery for big time crooks though.

• Alcohol & Cigarette Allowance - The red and green channels at airports and docks should be replaced with more easily identifiable versions. This is obviously necessary because, whereas green means 'nothing to declare', a large proportion of travelers fail to comprehend this. My proposal is as follows:

• All nuclear power stations will be closed immediately and a policy of natural energy will be introduced.

• Bullshit - In fact not just bullshit, but cowshit, pigshit, chickenshit and dogshit as well. All faecal waste from animal sources will be collected and delivered to a central drying point and then used to fuel old coal fired power stations.

• Wind Power - In collaboration with the Baked Bean Advisory Council of the Ministry of Agriculture, Fisheries & Food, it is proposed that a methane donor service be set up nationwide. The National Methane Donation Service will be provided with tanker trucks and caravans to tour the counties recruiting regular wind producers.

• Solar Power - The drying effects of solar energy will be harnessed to help implement the overall bullshit energy policy. Massive turd drying farms will be set up all over the country in giant greenhouses, in which methane collection ducts will have been installed. This will not only provide dry fuel for former coal fired power stations but fuel for gas fired ones as well.

• Windmills - In collaboration with the Department of Education & Employment, all unemployed males with a natural aptitude for wind production will be offered employment within newly constructed windmills. With a considerable number of men already showing promise it is hoped that wind power alone will contribute greatly towards the national energy reserves.

• Tidal Power - Water turbines will be installed in all men's public toilets and situated at intervals of one foot from the ground to the ceiling. The natural competitive nature of the male will ensure a steady flow of energy from this source.

Return To The Index Page Of The Mad Cow-Girl's Website